Halooo

Hi??? I guess.... haha

It has been about two years since the last time I posted here. WOW I can't believe it. My very last post was that time when I was just doing my college entrance exam, the SBMPTN. And yes, here I am. Finally,  a college student. I got accepted in my first pick, which is UNAIR. I made it! I remember the D-day of the announcement, I couldn't sleep the night before. I slept around 2 AM, I guess. The final result should be out around 5 PM but it changed to 3 PM like??? beyond nervous. I was trembling as hell. I checked it on my phone bcs yeah I didn't really have time to turn my laptop on. I was shaking so much. The very moment of my life. I even got a typo when I input the registration numbers lol. I thought I got rejected. Then, the "Selamat anda diterima di SBMPTN 2018" showed. I screamed like hell, my sister cried haha, and my mom just said "oh..okay" :) I told all my friends that I got into my first choice. So happy but actually I was still thinking about my dream uni, it was UGM at the time. I have applied for the UTUL bruh. Did it just for a back up actually, yk just in case I didn't get in any uni that I've applied for SBMPTN. Long story short, I didn’t even show up at the UTUL and here I am. in my sophomore year as a student in UNAIR.

This was actually out of my expectation and all plans that I've made before. I was just aiming to get into any public uni in my province. I never really imagined living in a big city like Surabaya before and how the environment would be completely different. I had zero idea at that time. Even one of my friends told me, the picture of me living and studying away from home, my territory, is really out of destiny lol. I guess, no one really expects that. A TMI, The idea of applying to UNAIR itself actually came to me randomly after my magrib prayer. It popped up in my head like "Ok I am gonna have UNAIR as my first pick." Maybe that's somehow a way of God giving me His view of my future LOL idk. 

Two years have passed. As a person, I feel like I have been through so many things. Not as a student because, yeah, I am not that so called as an active student in uni. Just a very so-so, if I'm saying. But of course, I have learnt a lot so far. I tried several new things as well. I believe those were some new experiences that I might have never experienced if I wasn't here, in Surabaya. 

At first, I was really happy to finally be able to move out. To live in a different city, it’s a totally new environment for me. Not really new actually, because actually most of my relatives live there but yeah, still new. I always kind of hate that one condition when you attend the same schools and you will have the same group of friends. You ended up never really made a new friend. Yes, I am 100% an introvert, I can't really make new friends unless an extrovert adopts me BUT I want something new. And yes, that's what I totally got. Even though it didn't really match my expectations. I am a really high hope-r guys, so yeah, sometimes I was into it so much where in fact the reality can be hard. I was so excited to finally come to a new place. Since I used to spend the last 12 years in school with kinda "the same group of friends," I found it hard to fit in. I totally forgot how to make friends. Even until now, I am still not used to saying my name while having the intro with new people. I am just so used to meeting new people who actually have known me before. I was just living in my bubble. I lost my ability to open up myself, to make a friend, and I don't really know how to express myself to new people that I met.

Not to mention the difference in the culture. I spend half of my school days in boarding school, so I basically live with my friends. We’re just getting along like that. But college is just we’re sitting down in this random class and we only maybe have it once a week. So, yup, it’s much harder (FOR ME) to get along. 

I have such a hard time expressing myself. Looking back, actually I didn’t really remember and know what I did. I literally detached myself from everything. I was just going to the class and back to my room, and that’s all. That routine just automatically made me to be that "shy and quiet person" which is actually NOT. I am a very loud and crazy person, if you know me. Since I struggle to show and be myself, it slowly kills me. I feel like that “shy and quiet person” has become one of my personalities that I need to maintain. I only can feel myself when I am alone. when I go out, I need to put the “shy and quiet” mask on. I know that no one actually forbids me to be loud in public. But, of course, you know when actually people have known you to be a person like this, people actually already have the image of you like this, a quiet and shy person who doesn't really do something? That’s actually something that I can ignore completely. Who cares, right? But, I don’t know. I choose to just live it like that. To keep myself unseen. I don’t want to surprise anyone with who I am exactly. (when the fact actually no one cares LOL)

In the end, it has become a habit for me, to be a totally different person lol. It’s lowkey giving the Hannah Montana feeling lol. Sometimes, I feel like it’s a sad thing that I couldn’t really have the college life that I’ve always had in my mind. But, it’s still okay, I guess I'm just gonna live it like this. 

(incoming addition)

I actually wrote this at the beginning of 2021, I think it’s the second year of me doing online classes. Yup, it was the corona year. Life was a little bit harder but I think I got it. And I edited this at the end of 2023. (I can’t help to edit it lol) 

I was supposed to give an update on how my first 2 years in college looked, but I just overshared a very unimportant thing instead lol. That was actually the thing that I struggled the most with (even until now, I guess) so I pretty much understood why I was like that lol.

Anyways, life was good. Beside the two personalities that I need to keep up, I still had a pretty good junior and sophomore year. I did a lot of things, pretty much. I mean, as a super introverted girl like me, it was still such a HUGE thing to do. 

Again, even though it’s not exactly like what I’ve always thought, God is good. I still manage to be surrounded by good people. The premise might be I wasn't really able to open myself up (I still kinda regret it till now) but I still met new people and made new friends, guys…. I am not literally a loner, no. And just slowly I feel like I kind of put aside the “shy mask” and finally there’s someone who said “I thought you didn't know how to have fun" and "I thought you were just a very no life person” that was rude and funny at the same time LOL. The fact that all along, I was right that people definitely thought I am a very shy person and THAT'S IT. But at the same time, I also feel relieved. Those words also means that I am already comfortable with the new people to open up and be myself wholly. 

Yeah, anyways, I think this pretty um, sums up my 2 years journey after that last post, where I was nervously waiting for the SBMPTN announcement day. I think I will write here more..in future.. yeah.. tot ziens!!